I Am NOT In Love With You!
by crystal-mist
Summary: 'I am NOT in love with you'….This thought echoes in Shun's mind time and time again. And guess who these words are directed towards? To Alice…Why? Why is he forced to think all this in the first place? Read and find out… AlicexShun.


**Summary- 'I am NOT in love with you'….This thought echoes in Shun's mind time and time again. And guess who these words are directed towards? To Alice…Why? Why is he forced to think all this in the first place? Read and find out… AlicexShun.**

**My twenty second story Yay! This is just a one-shot I came up with.**

**I Am NOT In Love With You**

**crystal-mist**

**Ps- Written In Shun's Point Of View. The theme is that Shun is thinking these thoughts as if he is really addressing Alice.**

I've always been somewhat of a loner. Being all by myself was not something that particularly bothered me. It's just my personality trait… And I am not one of those people who find it easy to express themselves… I am unable to open up completely to anyone.

So; phrasing this short I am a very reserved person…Perhaps that is why I am misunderstood most of the time….

Why is it that I am unable to convey my feelings in its entirety? Why?

I guess there are just some things in this world that will forever remain a mystery to me.

All these deficiencies, and all these things out of my reach. That, Alice, is what leads me to my present train of thought.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

Julie says that I **am**…But who is she to read my feelings; right? Tell me; why **would** I be in love with you, Alice Gehabich? You are one of the brawlers. You are a person who gave me such understanding and kindness. My mother is the only other person who's been this close to me. You are also beautiful; that, I cannot deny and your sweet personality _is_ rather tempting- Your pale snow-white face and your bright orange locks that frame your face so exquisitely. You are in one word **perfect; **perhaps flawless would be a better adjective to describe your ethereal perfection.

Although;

'I am NOT in love with you.'

It's true; I've always felt a bit more comfortable talking to you than to anyone else in the world. Granted, I don't talk much; but I can guarantee you that at least half the words I've spoken in my lifetime were directed at you. I feel…complete in your vicinity...SO how exactly **could** I be in love with you?

'I am NOT in love with you.'

Of course; that's **why **I hang on every word you say, that's why I am entranced by the sweet chimes of your melodic voice, that's why I often felt myself being over-protective of you.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

That's why I frequently find myself unconsciously staring at you when we are in class… That's why a smile tugs at my lips when I see your happy face; why my heart speeds up a couple of paces when our hands unconsciously brush against one another…

'I am NOT in love with you.'

However; I was crushed…I felt as if a huge anvil had been hauled at me from the heavens the day you told me that you were dating Klaus… My soul was engrossed in this kind of… burning feeling –jealousy, no doubt… When you smile at me and call me your 'best-friend', I smile back at you… And behind my smile hovers a sort of…regret. -that I should have made my move sooner, that I should've said something so that you would've be mine…But just like always I couldn't put those feelings into words.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

I still remember that day we were on cleaning duty; the day we were mopping the floor. Then you went to the store-room to see if there were any spare clothes or something so that your school uniform wouldn't get dirty… And then you came running over to me with a smile on your face; you forgot that the tiled floor was still wet and was sent slipping in my direction. And then, the both of us were sent to the ground… You fell atop me, the whole weight of your body concentrated on mine and your face centimeters from mine…

I can still clearly envisage the mindless daze we were in, as somehow our lips drifted closer and we kissed. My mind was racing as our lips danced in some sort of foretold rhythm. We forgot everything that day; you were still dating that wretched Klaus and I was with Runo, trying to repress my feelings for you… But your lips were on mine, everything else in the universe seemed secondary… There was nothing I wanted more, than for that moment to last all my life.

But then, when we broke apart, the smile on your face disappeared as your eyes widened –you realized the gravity of what you had just done… You felt that you had done something that threatened our friendship.

But I pulled you back down onto me and held you in a tight embrace as I felt the faint moisture of the mopped floor seep through my shirt and cool my back.

You resigned to it, but then a mumble of disapproval escaped your throat… "What….what are we doing?" you asked me.

I was just as puzzled as you were…All these actions seemed so…involuntary… But it felt right AND wrong at the same time. Right- because it felt nice having you in my arms like that, your lips tasted so addicting…. Wrong- because the both of us were still dating different people… We were now _cheating_ on them?

I did not protest as you stood up… You gazed at me for a while, biting your lower lip; you looked so adorable… We said nothing as we walked down the hall side by side… Our hands brushed together about four to five times and I noticed that this was not_ completely _involuntary.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

That's why we ignored the way our kiss felt; that's why we chose to forget it no matter how hard it was. We moved on; still the best of friends. But I couldn't help but notice that we were less close… You would freeze whenever I put my hand on your shoulder and you would be so nervous whenever I held your hand to lead you somewhere...

So, seeing your discomfort I stopped… I stopped making any physical contact with you... The fact that you were so troubled by my presence; it trampled me.

And slowly, it became harder for me to conceal my bottled up aggravation. That is why, that day after class, when we were walking back home, I caught hold of your arm… That's why I half-shouted at you for ignoring me…That is why I shot out those harsh sentences that reduced you to tears.

I can still remember the pain of seeing tears roll down your cheeks; and also the egotistic pride that kept me from comforting you as your body trembled in helpless grief.

I can still remember that horrifyingly sleepless night I spent –choked by my tears. You must've gone through the same.

And then the next day you put your arms around me and held me in a hug. That action surprised me to the core. Your hands were trembling and they were cold from apprehension as you kept repeating the same three words over and over again. -"I am sorry."

My heart was beating wildly as I embraced you back. I took hold of one of your cold hands in a naïve desire that at least _some_ warmth would return into them by _my_ grasp.

'I am NOT in love with you.' though.

Then there was that day we went to that amusement park when we were in university… That Ferris-wheel ride; the way we got stuck at the top like in one of those weird movies… Was it some sort of odd fate?

I remember that you kept your eyes staring at the ground and did all you could to avoid my gaze… You were sitting opposite from me so it made observing you easier.

I could sense that you were a bit nervous, perhaps you were claustrophobic?

"Hey Alice, you alright?" I ask as I lean forward; closer to you…

You look directly at me then shook your head from side to side as you leaned closer to me as well. You seemed to be searching my face from some specific emotion; till this day I do not know why you were gazing at me so fixedly…Your eyes looked almost _eagerly_ into mine. Were you expecting me to lean in closer and kiss you? Perhaps; but how was I to know?

You then touched my face with your hand; why? Your hand was positioned near my eyes; it then trailed down my cheekbone and then back up again and then repeated this action four or five times.

I was mesmerized…Perhaps I should have reacted… I should have pulled you close then and there but I sat there, as still as a statue.

After that, you apologized. "Sorry…I…I don't know what got into me… I was distracted…."

You closed your eyes as your lips trembled in uncertainty. And then you shook your head free of all the plausible doubts that must've been clouding your mind. You gulped and then opened your eyes which were hinted with a bit of lament.

And then the next string of words you spoke shattered my world into shreds.

"Shun. I'm getting married." You said in a level voice; your face set in a controlled expression.

My ability to respond was severed and seared into oblivion. "Congratulations." I muttered in a hollow voice. Sure, you had never been _mine__,_ but still, I was…. I can't find a word to explain my anguish.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

The few months you were engaged to Klaus were the worst in **my** life. I realize that I didn't even talk to you those days; I **couldn'**t talk to you…

I attended your wedding all the same… I sat in one of the seats in the front row… I was a bit sad that you were getting married and that you would be out of my reach once you tied the knot with Klaus.

My apprehensive mind stirred with doubt as your wedding got delayed by two hours for some unknown reason. And in no time I found myself standing up and running towards the inside of the dressing area.

Some ladies tried protesting and tried keeping me from seeing you, Alice.

At that moment I knew that something was wrong. I ignored them all and rushed to your dressing room.

And there, I saw you. You were clad in your pure-white wedding gown, your face buried in you hands –crying bitterly. There were other women surrounding you, supposedly calming you down.

"What's….wrong?" I spoke up.

You jolted almost as if you had been electrocuted. You raised your face to look at mine. Your face was fatigued and devoid of hope. "He's not coming." You answered in a hoarse whisper.

My eyes widened in horror as I realized what you meant… I walked closer to you and knelt down in front of the chair you were sitting on. You lunged forwards at me and cried helplessly onto my chest.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

That's why my heart burnt fiercely as I felt your cold tears on my chest… That's why I felt this dire hatred towards Klaus for standing you up like this on your wedding… That's why I held you tight and whispered to you that everything would be alright…

'I am NOT in love with you.'

That's why the very same night I tracked down Klaus and paid him a nice little visit. That's why I smacked him so hard that he howled that he would apologize to you.

I growled at him; and told him **not** to approach you **ever **again.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

I allowed you to stay at my place instead of making that tiring trip back to Russia. I told you that you could stay in my house as long as you wanted, because it was big and it's not like I minded.

At times I would spend half the night standing outside the door to your room and listening to your soft sobs. Each time, I would be tempted to come in and comfort you, so that you can rest easy…

And so my confusing emotions weighed me down as a year passed by… I found it useless trying to conceal my feelings.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

That's why I brought you that ring and asked you if you would marry **me**. I can still picture your astounded face clearly in my mind. You gazed at me in wonder as you brought your hand to where your heart was.

You took in a deep breathe and I think your throat went dry because you did not speak to me. You only nodded amidst a teary smile.

And so, I walked over to you and took you in my arms….

'I am NOT in love with you.'

That's why my heart was so filled with the happiness and triumph at finally having made you mine…

I can still remember the ecstasy that overtook me as I pressed my lips against yours; the sheer joy that enveloped me as I touched your lips with mine after all these years… Our lips embarked on that long-forgotten dance that had taken place long ago.

However, in midst of this bliss that I felt, I was unable to sense that imperceptible spec of hesitation in your heart.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

And then came that fateful day… The despondent day that blasted everything that meant anything to me into oblivion.

That day: a week before the day of our wedding. I reached home from work a few hours earlier.

I turned the handle of the front-door but strangely enough it wouldn't open. I figured that you had left to run an errand or something. I noticed that the sprinklers were working. They sprayed the plants with clear water that sparkled in the afternoon sunlight. My eyes widened; you always turned off the sprinklers whenever you were leaving the house…

For some reason I felt uneasy. It could have been just a minor case of forgetfulness. I was aware that I was over-reacting. But my legs seemed to have a mind of their own as I dashed towards the backdoor. It was bolted too… With a few kicks I knocked the door off its hinges.

I rushed up a flight of stairs and to your room. I opened the door and found the room empty and your luggage still there.

I sighed in relief; I HAD been over-reacting.

That was when the light in the guest-room caught my eye. I walked towards the door and was startled by the single sob I heard.

That was when I saw you…

Sitting with you back on the wall; your eyes closed, blood on the floor, a knife on the ground beside you and the vein on your right wrist slashed.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

"Alice!" I cry in stark horror as I rushed to your side…."What have you done!" I exclaimed exasperatedly.

You opened your worn-out eyes and smiled at me a sad smile. "Be free…" you muttered.

My eyes widened as I heard your words… "What?"

You brought your pale left hand to caress the side of my face. "I am sorry for being a burden to you…You've always had to go through such hard-ship because of me… I always impose on you."

I tried to interrupt your assumptions … But you stopped me and continued.

"You…always had to watch over me… Even now; you asked me to marry you, because you were sorry for what happened to me earlier… You did it, because you didn't want me to suffer…."

I was shocked as I processed your words… I was desperate, I wished to get you to a hospital but you refused me. But there was no way I could just stand by and watch you die right before my eyes.

So I bent down and scooped you up into my arms despite your protest.

You tried struggling, but you were not strong enough.

You said that you were dying… You said that you _**wanted**_ to die; you said that there was nothing I could do to save you.

As I carried you down the stairs you continued talking."Shun, You do NOT love me…yet; you do so much for me… I can't…I can't go through with the wedding. No; I cannot ruin your life. I can't condemn you to take care of me….You should wed someone you LOVE Shun… I can't bear to watch you throw away your life for the likes of me. Your compassion is beyond my understanding…"

You then rested your head on my chest. "All I ask of you is this moment of proximity… Because; ever since day 1 I've been terribly in love with you… I tried everything to divert my feelings but my efforts were fruitless." You said as you coughed a little.

My eyes widened as I heard your words…You…you were in love with me?… And my heart, it was heavy with anxiety…I wished to convey to you the way I felt, but as always, my words failed me. I couldn't say anything.

So, I kissed you once more, full on the lips; hoping against hope that some miracle would happen and that you would NOT die in spite of the excessive blood loss.

I felt you struggling feebly against my grasp… You squirmed around with what little strength you had left, you tried pushing me off but it was in vain.

After we parted you looked at me breathlessly. You '**looked'** at me but you could see nothing as your eyes were already blank from the numerous pills you had emptied into your mouth.

You coughed and a sympathetic expression passed across your face. "See, this is exactly what I was talking about… You do NOT love me…Yet, you go to such lengths to-" your grip on me weakened as you stopped midsentence.

You leant onto me. "Please Shun… Be **happy. **Be free from the heavy chains of responsibility that I encircled you in… After all, I am NOT the one whom you love." And with that, your body dropped lax and your hand that clutched onto my shirt fell to your side; our engagement ring slipped off your finger and hit the tiled floor of the living room with a feeble clink.

Sure; that's right. 'I am NOT in love with you.'

That's why; at that moment I shrieked your name at the top of my voice… That's why that day, my whole life crashed and disintegrated down into millions of shards of NOTHING.

That's why I slipped into the quaintest depression for a month or two…. I had nothing to eat or drink. I barely had a wink of sleep.

I felt as if I was standing on the edge of the cliff of sanity and the whole world was shrieking at me to jump into the sea of the insane… but I remained standing on the edge, refusing to interact with anyone and spending endless hours in front of your grave.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

That is why **now** I stand in front of your grave with tears in my eyes and a bouquet of the most exquisite flowers in my hand… That is why I slightly kissed the flowers before placing them near your name.

I then fall on my knees and gaze at the grave; hopelessly trying to forget everything that I could've had if you were still alive… Everything that would've been **mine**…

OF course 'I am NOT in love with you.'

That's why I now sit on my knees with the very same knife that you used to kill yourself positioned at my chest. That's why I rammed the cold blade right into my heart without a second thought.

'I am NOT in love with you.'

That is why I lie in this pool of my own blood. That is why I now shift forwards and position my head on your gravestone, feeling the cool stone against my face.

And slowly I sense my consciousness fading away and my breathing slowing down. I also feel a cold breeze sweeping through the deserted cemetery.

More tears escape my eyes as I part my lips...

"Alice… Tell me; do you honestly still think that I was NEVER in love with you?"

**Fin.**

**Wow that one-shot was LONG! I should have made it into two chapters… But my mind and heart was telling me to make it just a one-shot. So how was it? I hope you liked it. Tell me what you think Kay?**

**A/N: I am sure that reading the title you expected a story in which Shun was living in denial of his feelings for Alice… But by the end you may realize that Shun's phrase **'I am NOT in love with you.' **was coated in bitter sarcasm because Alice told him that he was never in love with her… And she killed herself thinking that Shun was throwing away his life just to take care of her. She did not want to be a hindrance to the one she loved… You could interpret the Ferris-wheel incident as the exact moment Alice concluded that Shun was not in love with her never will be. For Shun, it is but a case of being unable to express his deep love with her…**

**Life is unfair most of the time and you don't have happy endings most of the time… This is but a faint reminder of that… So let us all speak our hearts out –not harshly of course.**

**Thanks for reading. Please leave a REVIEW and make my day.**

**Take care guys… Arisu, signing out!**


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